Notes from an "about me" lecture might look something like this:

  • September 9, 1990. Born.
    • Was bald, naked, and screaming, just like I am right now.
  • 1996. Had first sip of beer.
    • Did not like.
    • Fizz went down throat "too spicy."
  • 2006. Had second sip of beer.
    • Did like.
    • Had more sips.
    • Felt unusually flirty.
  • 2010. Arrested for having sips of beer.
    • Was growing mustache at time of arrest.
    • Someone called said mustache "French," which I interpreted as being synonymous with "obscene."
    • Took mugshot with mustache.
    • Still looking for mugshot.
  • 2011. Turned 21.
    • We can stop talking about me having sips of beer now.
  • 2013. Graduated college.
    • Majored in English
    • Employers were all like, "Need a piece of this guy."
    • They weren't at all like that.
    • Heard a lot of, "You like to write? Where's your portfolio?"
  • 2014. Started Brandcenter
    • To do a damn portfolio, Employers!
    • Met some good folks along the way. Hire them all.
  • 2016. Writing this in Brandcenter right now.
    • Bald, naked and screaming.
    • Security has just removed the hair clippers from my hand and is escorting me out of the building.
    • Pray for me.
    • Hire me.

Resume


patrickhustonnewman@gmail.com - 914.409.2244